communication

“I swear,” he said to me, shaking his head, “she is so stupid—.”

I cut him off quickly with, “Stupid? Is she stupid? Didn’t she graduate college?”

“Well, yes,” he stammered, “but, please, how could someone do something like that?”

“Okay,” I answered, “that’s a different question. To figure out what was in her head, we have to ask her, but before we do that, I’m still interested in your use of the word, ‘stupid.’ Is she or isn’t she stupid?”

Along with resolutions in a new calendar year come expectations: what we expect of ourselves, what we expect of others, maybe even what we expect of God. And those can – ironically – undo all of our good intentions.

In the last post, I set up a typical example of mixed messages. (By the way, in psycho-jargon, these are called “double binds” and they were discussed extensively way back by Gregory Bateson. Analytical people will enjoy Bateson.) Mary Lou, who delivered the mixed messages may have had an ulterior motive to doing so and I did not discuss that in that post. I also left open how Lloyd, her husband of 20 years, ought to handle the problem.

Let’s look at the ulterior motive possibility.

By the good fortune of technology, we can enjoy Abbot and Costello’s famous routine, “Who’s on first. What’s on second, and I-Don’t-Know is on third.” Those guys are still funny today.

It’s just not so funny when you’re married to someone who is sending mixed messages. In fact, it’s downright frustrating. But that may be exactly the point. Let me explain with a story.

“Be honest with me,” Mary Lou pleaded with Lou. “Did I do something wrong?”